Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Reasons for the Journey Part 1

Vanity.  Pure and simple.  That's why I started.  But you have to understand, I had let myself get to the point where nothing really fit anymore.  Not even the "big girl" clothes.  One size would be huge, but the size under that would be too tight in places.  I seriously had nothing in my closet that I felt good about being in.  I was also at that place where when people would make jokes about themselves or their relatives(mostly older people) having the "arm-hangy-downy-stuff", you know that waves back at you when you are waving at people.  I would laugh, but try to hide my arms because I had it too.  Big time.  Or they would make some comment about thunder thighs or pants making noise when so & so walked by, I would chuckle with them.  But it was only to hide the fact that I was one of the ones that they were making fun of.  Basically, I was fat.  Really, really fat.

To make matters worse, none of my friends were.  I don't just mean that they were all healthy looking.  They are all "I really hate them" skinny people.  But I mean that with all the love in my heart!  Here is a real life example that I promise I am not making up.  Frank and I went on a beach trip with 2 of my very loved skinny friends and their families. ( Why I did this to myself I will never know) One of the things we did for each other while there was to take turns watching each others kids while the other couple went for a walk on the beach or a swim or whatever.  So, while M & K went for their walk, I being the good friend that I am, decided to fold K's laundry that was in the dryer for her so it would be all nice and folded when she came back.  I accomplished this goal and waited for her reaction.  I had the kids clothes on their bed and M & K's clothes on their bed.  K just smiled so big when she saw the pile of her daughters clothes.  
Ashley  Whats the matter
K            Nothing except that those aren't R's panties
Ashley Well whose panties are they then
K            They're mine *smirk and giggle out loud***

Did I casually forget to mention that not only was her daughter 4 at the time, but K was also 5mo pregnant with her 3rd baby?  I hate her...

But they are all that way really.  And you know how on TV there is always the 1 fat friend in the group?  One day while I was with some of them, I started to look around and I thought "Where are all the fat people?  Really, where are they?"  And then I realized...I was it.  I was the fat friend.  I can not tell you how I felt at that moment.  No, not one of them has ever done anything to make me feel uncomfortable (except be a size 0/2) or said anything to make me feel that way.  I just woke up that's all.

So, my reason 1st and foremost was vanity.  I just didn't want to be the fat friend anymore.  I didn't want to be self-conscious around the people that I dearly loved anymore.  


stephanie said...

I just can't express how proud we are of you!!! I'm grateful you're my friend, regardless of your size. Remember, there's funfetti cake waiting for you at the finish line!!! :)

Aimee said...


Heather @ Home said...

Love the new blog!!!!! I am so proud of you. I know what you mean to an extent. I have always been the tallest girl in my close circle of friends (until I moved to Albany), but was always referred to as "big" instead of tall. That was when the complex started because all of my friends were tiny and petite, and I was the Amazon. I used to joke about being on a diet just to hear people say "that's crazy, you don't need to lose any weight!". Well, they stopped saying that to me. Wake up call!

Thanks for your honesty! We can take this journey together. I joined Weight Watchers today. I'll be posting my progress on my blog. Cheerin' for ya!!!! :)